Four Distinct Lessons

So, as some of you know, I am currently in my fourth semester of college, and being that I am almost halfway done (and that I'm just naturally a reflective sort of person), I have begun looking back on these past two crazy, amazing, phenomenal, out-of-control years that God has brought me through.

When I look back I've discovered that every semester something significant has occurred in my life that has greatly formed and changed who I am. So, the following is the breakdown of How I have seen and am currently seeing God work in my life:

Semester 1: Confrontation. Breakup.
I have always been a person who hates confrontation, and until around the time of my first semester of college, I would have ran away from any confrontation, guaranteed. This shyness and foolishly-patient tolerance problem, as you can imagine, did not mesh well with a failing long distance relationship.

First Semester of college, I made the mistake of taking a shot at a long distance relationship... What did I find out? That it was NOT for me. Or, at least not for the "me" back then. All the distance showed me about that relationship was how little I actually had in common with my high school boyfriend, and how much my college growth was causing an even greater chasm between me and him.

Our communication was terrible and little by little I was falling apart as I tried to patch up a relationship that was bursting apart in all directions. Did I tell anyone, ask for prayer or share my concerns? Never. All of the hurt that I was feeling from that broken relationship caused me to back away further and further from the community around me. I was paralyzed from forming friendships because I just didn't have the time or energy to put into them. (Now, mind you, I did make two of my best friends ever -who are now my roommates- that semester)

I feel the need to say sorry again for all of the people I shirked and the relationships I neglected that semester... It was not intentional, but at that point in my life, all I had the energy to do was struggle to deal with my own problems.

In this, I learned a lot more about what a weakness my inability to stand up against wrongs to myself was. Finally, in finals week, the stress from tests and the thoughts of going home and having to deal with everything hit me. I broke down. My friend Brenna entered a scene of me sitting on the floor, crying pathetically, surrounded by Torrey books... That's when I finally confided, finally let it all out, and finally was able to gain enough courage to do what I should have done months before: confront the wrongs of the situation and end things.

So, I went home, met with him, I stood up for myself, and we broke things off. One of the best, yet hardest things I had done so far in my life. It was so difficult for me to put myself out there and to let myself feel awkward and to put myself into a situation that could possibly hurt a person that I cared about. All sorts of things scared me about the situation... But God strengthened me, brought me through a hard semester, and taught me, finally, how to stand up for myself and confront people when they wrong and hurt me, rather than just tolerating it for the sake of not making waves.

Semester 2: Acceptance. Reinvention.
After experiencing a complete release from the overtones of criticism that existed in my high school environment, I was able to move on and embrace the place that I was in. I had finally really arrived at Biola. I was blessed with rooming with one of my new best friends :), and my friends Brenna and Jojo were slowly teaching me through their examples to be more accepting of my own quirks, nerdiness and all the little things that make up "me" that I had been supressing and afraid of for so long due to my past environment.


I learned the importance of embracing and being content in each and every circumstance that God placed me in, considering constantly that He put me there for a reason and therefore I needed to enjoy the people and events around me. I learned to be present always, and to make my mind engage the present rather than allowing it to be distracted, possibly making me lose sight of what God had for me to learn in that given situation.

But, most of all, as I said in the beginning, God taught me to be way more outgoing and to have way more acceptance, love, and appreciation for who He created me to be as an individual :). I now have little to no shame, and no longer care if I come off as being weird, because I know those who are worth my time will be loving and accepting of me no matter what I do, just as God is :).

Semester 3: A New Lesson on Love. Death.

My third semester was quite the whirlwind of events. The very first weekend started off with an amazing adventure with five friends of mine to a 200 ft. tall, illuminated cross at the top of a hill in the middle of Hollywood, at 12 0'clock at night. One of the most adventurous, most unique and best experiences of my life so far, but you can read more about it in the link above if you're curious.

Only a week or two later, that amazing, hyped up, joyous experience was juxtaposed against a horrible series of phone calls that I received from my mother. I was trying to sleep in like I do every Saturday morning, when I realized that my phone kept vibrating. I figured that that was an odd occurence, so I climbed down out of my bunk bed and checked my phone. I felt like it was pointless to listen to the three voice mail messages and saw that I had multiple missed calls from both my brother and mom.

I called my mother back and heard a strained voice on the other line say that my grandfather -who had been suffering from colon cancer for a few years- had decided to take his own life with one of his hunting guns. His next door neighbor apparently heard, ran next door, found the scene and alerted the authorities, who alerted my mother, who then alerted me.

My grandfather was not saved, he was the first person close to me who has ever died, and he died by committing suicide. These three things combined with the inability for me to properly comfort and be with my mother through the difficult time was extremely hard to handle. It took me at least a few weeks to just start getting over it, but through all the grief, discomfort and questions God showed me so much goodness, beauty and truth. It's amazing how He can do that in the ugliest of situations.

I learned so much about love, and especially about receiving it. It was an amazing and humbling experience to see the community around me gather, comfort and pray over me. I also learned all the more to truly value the relationships that I have and be ever present in each circumstance so that I don't miss anything God might have for me or an opportunity to serve others.

Semester 4: Brokenness and Faith. Cross-cultural Missions.

In my current semester, God is yet again doing a substantial and significant thing in my life. As you can see partially from my prior blog, God has been teaching me so much through my x-cultural and ethnic psychology class this semester. He has been truly teaching me and showing me the importance of allowing my heart to be broken by the things that break His. It comes fairly easy to me, but God has taught me that I need to utilize that and remember how valuable an ability it is to have.

Also, through the many things that have led me into being on a mission team going to India this summer, God has shown me a new meaning and reality of faith. Living life out of faith is the only way to live it! Though it is so hard to always live a life fully surrendered to God and His purposes, it is a far better life to live than any other. If you want to know more about the work He is and will be doing with India, read the posts soon to come on my blog, I will be keeping a journal of all of the major processes and events of the trip :).

It amazes me how God has not allowed a semester to go by without teaching or doing some great work in my life. In the good things and even the most terrible, praise be to God that He has given me the strength to find the good and beauty in each and every situation. Praise God that I haven't yet lost myself, but have been drawn closer and taught to cast myself even more fully upon His grace.

I am somewhat fearful, yet faithful and excited about what my future holds. May God continue to teach and grow me into the women He wishes to form, and may I never resist, but, in great awe, trust His name through all things, even through the periods of confusion and misunderstanding. :)